How Patriarchy Affects the Mother-Daughter Relationship Across Generations
The Unseen Web: How Patriarchy Shapes the Mother-Daughter Relationship
In my work as a mother-daughter coach and licensed psychotherapist, I’ve sat with countless women and families who carry pain that did not begin with them. Much of this pain can be traced back to one root system: patriarchy—a legacy so deeply embedded in family structures, cultural norms, and emotional expectations that it often goes unseen.
But unseen does not mean unfelt.
Whether I’m working with a woman navigating her relationship with her aging mother or a mother trying to reconnect with her adult daughter, one theme rises again and again: how patriarchy affects the mother-daughter relationship is complex, multilayered, and—when left unexamined—harmful to the entire family system.
What Is Patriarchy, Really? A Holistic Definition
At its core, patriarchy is a social and political system where men hold primary power—particularly in roles of moral authority, social privilege, and control over property and family decision-making. But this definition, while technically accurate, falls short of capturing the full impact.
From a holistic and trauma-informed perspective, patriarchy can also be understood as:
“A system of structural power and emotional conditioning that teaches women to internalize silence, sacrifice, and self-erasure—and teaches men to suppress vulnerability, dominate emotional space, and remain disconnected from interdependence.”
(informed by bell hooks, Carol Gilligan, and contemporary feminist psychology)
This system doesn’t just affect men and women individually—it shapes how we relate, parent, attach, and care.
How Patriarchy Silences Women in the Family
In my therapeutic and coaching work with women, especially mothers and daughters, I’ve seen firsthand how patriarchal family systems train women to put others’ needs first. Often, mothers pass this down not because they want to, but because it was how they survived.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked across the U.S. and the U.K., I’ve had the privilege of supporting families from all walks of life—diverse in culture, religion, upbringing, and geography. Since relocating to London, an urban and multicultural hub, my practice has expanded to include women from countries impacted by colonization, war, migration, and generational displacement. These layers matter.
When we talk about a mother’s ability to emotionally connect, we have to ask:
Who supported her?
What were her survival strategies?
What kind of emotional or physical safety did she have?
What beliefs about women were passed down in her lineage or community?
Was her country of origin colonized or exploited in ways that destabilized the family unit?
These questions help us understand that mother-daughter trauma and patriarchal conditioning are not just personal issues. They are geopolitical. They are cultural. And they are historical.
From Emotional Inheritance to Empowerment
In my work at an eating disorder service, I’ve observed how many young girls who are highly sensitive, empathetic, or “superfeelers” often lack the emotional support they need to thrive. These girls tend to internalize pain, carry the emotions of those around them, and struggle to express their own needs—sometimes using food or perfectionism as ways to cope.
What’s even more striking is how often their mothers share similar traits—emotionally suppressed, people-pleasing, or perfectionistic, not because they want to be, but because they too grew up in environments where emotional expression was dismissed, punished, or simply never modeled.
This isn’t about blaming mothers—it’s about understanding the emotional inheritance passed from one generation to the next. It’s about recognizing how a lack of emotional support becomes a silent lineage—and how daughters often carry the unprocessed pain of their mothers and grandmothers in their bodies, beliefs, and behaviors.
Unlearning Patriarchal Family Roles: A Path to Generational Healing
Healing the mother-daughter relationship in a patriarchal world involves unmasking the invisible forces that shaped each generation’s behavior. It’s not enough to ask, “Why did my mother act this way?” We must ask, “Who was she allowed to be?”
This process includes:
Understanding intergenerational trauma and emotional inheritance
Naming and honoring the survival strategies women had to adopt
Exploring people-pleasing as a trauma response—not a flaw
Reclaiming self-worth through feminist, attachment-informed practices
Cultivating compassion without bypassing accountability
Final Thoughts: Rewriting the Story, Together
If you’re navigating pain with your mother or your daughter, you are not alone. The split between mothers and daughters didn’t begin with you—and it doesn’t have to end with disconnection.
My work as a mother-daughter coach and therapist is grounded in the belief that when we bring truth, curiosity, and compassion to our relationships, we begin to unlearn centuries of conditioning and create space for something more whole to emerge.
Because healing the mother-daughter relationship isn’t just about the two of you—it’s about changing what gets passed on.
